Piggly in a Blanket
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory wrangles Archer into guarding a prize winning pig that belongs to a wealthy former schoolmate. Unfortunately, Pam and Krieger derail her latest scheme.


**Piggly ate the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Here's some madness from my tiny, insane little mind. Admit it, you all can see this happening too.**

 **Piggly In A Blanket**

"I can't believe Krieger is letting us take his van," Archer remarked as he drove the Rush Van down the highway onto a back road.

"Well how else are we supposed to pick up a prize winning pig?" Mallory snapped as she rode in the passenger's seat. "In a Rolls Royce? Or that ridiculous car of yours? As much as I _loathe_ riding in the S.S. Date Rape again, it was the only plausible option we had!"

Mallory looked down in disgust. "Oh God…Could this floor be any stickier? I don't want to **know** what he's been doing in here!"

"So again, we're going to a private airfield…" Archer recounted. "To pick up a pig that's flying in on a private plane…And we're assigned to watch it for a few days. Then transport it to a _pig show_? Have I got that right?"

"Yes Sterling," Mallory groaned. "For once your alcohol soaked brain has retained some vital information about an assignment."

"Mother I thought you were **against** this sort of thing?" Archer asked, clearly confused.

"Normally yes," Mallory sighed. "However **this** pig happens to belong to Mabel Mapleton of Mapleton Meats. She's a very old school chum of mine from a very well off family. And it's a Polynesian potbellied pig that's specially trained to be a show pig. With tricks and everything."

"That's a **thing?** " Archer blinked.

"Apparently," Mallory sighed. "And it just so happens there's a show in three days. We just have to keep Lady Anabelle Hoggington safe until then and bring her to this pig show they're having in a ranch just outside of Malibu."

"Again that's a **thing?** " Archer was stunned. "Why did you agree to do this?"

"Besides making us an easy fifty grand?" Mallory asked. "For starters you can actually use this to accrue more hours towards your own detective license so you don't have to be at the mercy of Lord Cyril any longer than you have to."

"That is a good point," Archer admitted.

Mallory went on. "Also Mabel would be a wonderful contact for us. If we do this job well, not only will she use us again, she'd recommend us to all her friends."

"If she's one of your old friends how come I never heard of her before?" Archer asked. "And more importantly how does she **not** know about **you**?"

"Because she lives in Nowheres-Ville Oklahoma and we haven't exactly kept in close contact all these years!" Mallory snapped. "Mabel was always a bit common for my tastes. Even if her family is richer than God."

"That explains it," Archer said. "Oklahoma?"

"Among the women in my circles it's like Siberia with better weather and a worse stigma," Mallory sighed. "But for some reason she **loves** it. God knows why."

"Well it was a musical so that's something," Archer admitted. "Probably has an underrated theater district."

"I've already managed to sneak in two extra hours towards your detective's license with some well documented paperwork," Mallory said. "And if this goes well I can sneak in some more. So don't say I never did anything for you!"

"You forged some papers while Cyril was drunk didn't you?" Archer asked.

"Pretty much," Mallory shrugged. "Just don't blow this for me Sterling. I don't want a repeat of the fiasco known as Operation Shrinky Dink!"

"God you are never going to let that go are you?" Archer groaned.

"You mean when you and the crew of the Idiot Boat got us blacklisted from the CIA and espionage?" Mallory snapped. "Ruining my career and reputation that I've spent my **whole life** building? No. Not anytime soon!"

"It's not like it was all my fault," Archer protested. "Technically fifty percent of it is Krieger's."

"Shut up!" Mallory barked. "We're here."

"What the…?" Archer saw the luxury private jet on the private airfield. "All that for a **pig**?"

"I know," Mallory sighed. "I feel the exact same way whenever we have to go on one of Cheryl's vehicles."

"I bet Miss Piggy doesn't even ride this well," Archer quipped.

"Just get the damn thing so we can get out of here," Mallory grumbled. "Although I'm pretty sure even the pig would notice Krieger's van being a step below its usual accommodations."

"You're even crankier than usual," Archer noticed.

"Oh no!" Mallory said sarcastically. "I just **love** the fact that both my career as a spy and my place in New York Society have been completely and utterly destroyed by morons! So I had to relocate all the way across the country to restart my life all over again at my age when I should be thinking about retirement! But I can't because I'm almost completely broke! And the fact that I have to accept jobs from people I never even wanted to talk to again so I can get money is putting me **over the moon!** And the fact we have to transport a pig in Krieger's van is just the **cherry on the ice cream freaking sundae!"**

"Okay you're being sarcastic right now right?" Archer asked. "Because with you…"

"Just get the damn pig, you swine!" Mallory shouted.

Later that afternoon back at the Figgis Agency…

"Why does it have to stay in my office?" Archer protested to his mother. They were in Archer's office. The pig was calmly lying on a huge pillow.

"Do you want to bring it back to your apartment?" Mallory asked.

"God no."

"Then it stays here," Mallory gave him a cold look. "You're both swine. I'm sure you'll get along like bacon and eggs."

"Don't say the B-Word around the pig!" Archer warned. "And why can't I just put her in Krieger's Lab?"

"Are you insane? Put a pig in Krieger's lab?" Mallory snapped. "That's like handing the Russians a nuclear bomb! Only the nuclear bomb will cause less destruction!"

"What will cause less destruction?" Lana asked with a sigh as she walked in with Ray. "Is that a pig?"

"What did Krieger make **this time**?" Ray groaned.

"It's not Krieger's," Archer told them.

"For once," Mallory sighed.

"Then what are you doing with it?" Ray asked.

"I'm…Shut up!" Mallory snapped. " **That's** what I'm doing with it!"

"Mother we kind of have to tell them," Archer said.

"Tell us what?" Lana folded her arms. "Archer what stupid scheme are you involved in now."

"It's Mother's scheme," Archer said.

" **That** we figured out," Ray said. The pig squealed. "Aww…She's so cute!"

"Okay Mother has this old school friend of hers that lives in Oklahoma," Archer explained. "And Mother agreed to pig sit Lady Anabelle Hoggington…"

"Awwww…That really suits her," Ray petted the pig who seemed happy with the attention.

"I know right?" Archer said. "Anyway we're pig sitting it for a pig show."

"That's a **thing?"** Lana blinked.

"It's so a thing," Ray told her. "Does she do tricks?"

"Yeah. It's even housebroken," Archer told them. "Has her own litterbox and everything. So it's not like we have to do that much."

"And of course you're doing this when Cyril is away for the weekend," Lana gave her a look. "Adding up hours and keeping the money you make for yourself."

"Not that I care but where is he?" Archer asked.

"Some kind of investigative conference," Ray explained as he petted the pig. "One of those networking things."

"I thought we were **too good** for this sort of thing?" Lana gave Mallory a look.

"We are!" Mallory barked. "But desperate times call for desperate measures! Look, do you want to work for Cyril the rest of your life?"

"No, I don't," Lana admitted.

"Me neither but…" Ray added.

"No one cares about your but, you ass!" Mallory interrupted.

"Pig sitting Mallory?" Lana gave Mallory a look. "Seriously?"

Mallory made an annoyed noise. "Yes Lana! I am aware that this whole situation sounds exactly like a ridiculous contrived plot device coming from the mind of a comedy hack! Nonetheless this is a way to get money and a good contact and I will not waste it!"

"It won't be so bad if we all take turns," Ray admitted.

"No! Sterling is going to watch this pig," Mallory warned. "I don't trust either of you to do it!"

"Not to mention you don't want to split the money," Lana glared at her.

"Uh Mother as much as I **love** your faith in me…" Archer winced. "Maybe you should rethink this and give it to Ray? He did actually raise a pig for a while."

"Yes he turned a tiny little teacup pig into a two thousand pound side of bacon!" Mallory snapped.

"Little Hamlet…" Ray sniffed.

"Well at least we know the pig won't starve…" Archer admitted.

"He only had the thing for three months!" Mallory snapped. "That pig ballooned up faster than Pam after her cocaine addiction! No! Sterling you are watching out for this pig and that's final!"

"Can I at least play with her?" Ray asked.

"NO!" Mallory snapped.

"Oh come on Mother," Archer groaned. "Let Ray help at least. Again he has experience with pigs."

"So do you," Mallory gave him a look. "Remember Pam and Cheryl?"

"Mallory," Lana sighed. "As much as I'd **love** to watch an episode of Archer Acres, do you really think leaving him alone with a live animal is a **good idea?"**

"Case in point, the lemur he had as a pet," Ray pointed out. "You know, the one that bit all those people in his apartment building."

"The time he fooled around with Babou on that train with the Canadian Mounties and the terrorists?" Lana added.

"That parrot he had when he was a pirate king and it got eaten by the pirates," Ray added.

"That weekend he had another parrot and it flew away," Lana added.

"That other parrot he had for a day that died from a heroin overdose," Ray added.

"That was Woodhouse and you know it!" Archer barked.

"The aquarium incident," Lana added.

"Oh my god all those fish…" Ray groaned. "And those poor drunk penguins."

"How many times do I have to apologize for **that?** " Archer barked.

"You never apologized for it once!" Mallory barked.

"The incident with the monkeys at the zoo?" Ray added.

"Oh god I'd forgotten about that one," Mallory groaned.

"Again, I apologized for that!" Archer snapped.

"No, you didn't!" Ray snapped.

"Kazak the dog," Lana added. "Remember what happened? After the mission in Morocco he insisted on bringing it back to the office and within about three hours it trashed the bullpen, threw up on your shoes and then ate your shoes."

"Not to mention the unspeakable mess it left everywhere," Ray added.

"Yeah whatever happened to that dog?" Lana asked.

"Oh who remembers?" Mallory waved. "I understand your concerns. But I think Sterling has matured enough to watch an animal other than Pam for a few days. I mean Lana you do let him watch your child don't you?"

"Yes," Lana admitted. "For brief periods."

"Then I think Sterling can handle a creature that is actually toilet trained," Mallory said smugly. "And don't go blabbing to Cyril about this!"

"Oh we won't," Lana said. "Because we all know this is going to blow up in both of your faces."

"Phras…" Ray began. Archer and Mallory glared at him. "Inappropes."

"Come on Ray," Lana said. "Let's leave the pig sitters alone."

"I think there's a better joke for that," Ray remarked as they left. "A day no pigs will diet?"

"Nah…" Lana said. "Doesn't really fit. How about Flipping Pork?"

"Doesn't work either," Ray admitted. "We'll work on it."

"How about you work on not being idiots?" Archer called out after them. "Oh and by the way…Hoggington Hotel! You know? Her name is Lady Hoggington?"

"Oh shut up Sterling and just watch the damn thing," Mallory grumbled as she prepared to leave.

"Where are you going?" Archer asked.

"This new place called home," Mallory gave him a look. "Besides I already have a husband that acts like a pig so I don't see the need to stay in the office all night with you."

"Wait what do you mean by stay in the office all night?" Archer asked.

"Well I don't recommend taking that pig bar hopping," Mallory gave him a look. "One Krieger is enough!"

"Okay A, that wasn't a bar. It was a bowling alley," Archer corrected. "And B, seriously? You expect me to stay here all night with a pig?"

"It's not like you haven't done it before," Mallory gave him a look. "Again…Pam. Ciao!" She left.

"Okay Pig, let's set some ground rules here…" Archer said. "One, I'm the boss. Hey! Hey! Look at me! Look at me! Pig, we are going to spend some time together so we might as well make it productive. Hmmm…."

A few minutes later…

"No, it's okay…" Archer said as he drank a bottle of scotch. "You can totally do it in here. You won't get in trouble. Go wild! Hog wild! Get it? I'm sorry. That was a little insensitive of me. But seriously go ahead and let loose."

And the pig did as she peed all over the floor in Cyril's office.

"That'll do Pig," Archer grinned. "That'll do."

The following morning…

"So if you didn't want us to help in the first place, why did you ask us to come in with you?" Lana said to Mallory as she and Ray entered the Figgis Agency.

"On a weekend," Ray added. "Did you finally sober up and realize what you've done?"

"Is that what your dates **usually think** after spending the night with **you**?" Mallory remarked.

"You know…?" Ray glared at her.

"Honestly I don't trust Sterling a hundred percent to watch that animal," Mallory admitted. "So I suppose your help would be appreciated. But don't think that entitles either of you to a large share of the fee!"

"If you get a fee," Ray pointed out. "If Archer doesn't completely screw this up."

"This is Sterling! He will not screw up…" Mallory began.

Only to see her son shirtless and passed out drunk on the floor of the bullpen with bottles of scotch all over the place. "Son of a bitch…"

"You said it," Ray gave her a look.

"You know…?" Mallory glared at him.

"So how much was that **huge fee** going to be again?" Lana asked sarcastically. "Because since I don't see the pig anywhere something tells me you might not get all of it."

"Or any of it for that matter," Ray added.

"Oh for crying…Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling! Wake up!" She kicked him in the side. "STERLING MALLORY ARCHER! Oh great! He's in one of his blackout drunks!"

"I've got this," Ray sighed. He went to the bar and found a half full bottle. He poured a drink.

"Whazzat?" Archer sat up rapidly. "OWW! Why do my ribs feel like Pam danced on them?"

"Works every time," Ray said.

"How did you know that?" Mallory asked.

"Uh because that's how we wake you up from your blackout drinks?" Lana gave her a look.

"Oh right," Mallory said before turning to her son. She grabbed him by the ear. "Sterling Mallory Archer…"

"OW! Mother! Ow! Have you been taking manhandling lessons from Lana? Ow!" Archer whined.

"Sterling where is the pig?" Mallory snapped. "And to save any confusion I am referring to the **four legged** one. You remember? The one **you** were responsible for?"

"Again that was **not** my idea," Archer groaned as Mallory let go his arm.

"But it was your responsibility," Mallory growled as Archer went over to Ray.

"Again, not a good idea," Archer tried to grab the glass Ray was holding. Unfortunately for Archer, Ray was holding the glass in his non-bionic hand.

SLAP!

"OWWWWW!" Archer wailed. "Damn it Ray! Was that hand specifically built by Krieger for Lana in case she lost one?"

"Sterling focus!" Mallory snapped as Ray took a drink. "Where is the pig? Again, the four legged one!"

"I don't know," Archer looked around. "I kind of blacked out during the drinking contest. Lady H can put away more than you'd think."

"You not only gave a pig alcohol you had a **drinking contest** with it?" Lana shouted. "Just when I think you can't top yourself, you do! I hope you're happy!"

"Not really," Archer admitted. "Lady H drank me under the table. Not feeling too proud about that."

"Still think I would have been a bad choice to watch the pig?" Ray gave her a look.

"Honestly right now it's a toss-up," Mallory sighed. "Let's just find that stupid thing before something happens."

"Hang on. Does anybody else smell bacon?" Archer sniffed.

"Now that you mention it…" Lana sniffed. "Oh no…"

"Does Krieger have his own apartment or does he just live in his lab?" Ray realized something.

"I don't know! I…" Mallory realized something. "Oh dear god no!"

"I think it's coming from the break room," Archer realized.

"No, no, no, no…" Mallory groaned as she and the others went to investigate the smell.

"You don't think…?" Ray asked.

"I know Archer doesn't!" Lana barked.

"Oh ha, ha!" Archer snapped. "Look this could be just a simple…"

They went into the break room. There was Pam cooking some meat. Krieger eating some meat. And half of a carved up pig carcass on another table. As well as the usual mess and blood splatter created by killing, cleaning a pig and cooking it.

"Misunderstanding," Archer gulped.

"Uh no," Lana said. "Looks pretty clear what happened."

"Oh for the love of bacon," Mallory groaned.

"Morning guys!" Pam cheered. "What's shakin' bacon! I came over to help Krieger with some lab stuff and decided to make him breakfast!"

"It was almost breakfast to go," Krieger said. "Pam this sausage is amazing!"

"The secret is the freshness and special spices!" Pam grinned. "I call it Pam's Piggly in a Blanket. Without the blanket."

"The name is misleading," Krieger said. "It's not Piggly. This time."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mallory and Ray screamed.

"Why the hell are **you** screaming?" Mallory shouted at Ray. "I'm the one out fifty grand!"

"Fifty grand for a pig?" Lana shouted.

"Hold on! Hold on!" Archer barked. "We don't know if it was Lady Anabelle! Pam was the pig white and black?"

"Uhhhhhhh….." Pam blinked. "Maybe?"

"I KNEW IT!" Mallory yelled. "Of all the days to leave my gun at home!"

"You killed her? You…WAAAHHHHH!" Ray left the room crying.

"It's just like Little Hamlet all over again," Lana groaned.

"He really did love that pig didn't he?" Archer remarked.

Mallory then hit him on the back of his head. "OW! MOTHER!" Archer shouted.

"IDIOT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Mallory shouted.

"How is this **my fault**?" Archer barked at her. "Pam's the one who turned your latest scheme into bacon!"

"And sausage," Krieger spoke up.

"WAAAHAHHHHHH!" Ray was heard bawling in the next room. "I LOVED YOU PIGGY! I LOVED YOU!"

"You know one of us is going to have to deal with that," Krieger rolled his eyes.

"One disaster at a time!" Mallory barked.

"So let me see if I get this straight," Lana looked at Pam. "This is a habit of yours to simply kill and eat any random pig that just waltzes across your path."

"Did I mention I once lived on a farm?" Pam snapped.

"Yeah a dairy farm!" Archer corrected.

"Exactly," Pam said. "The pig farm was next door. And we didn't exactly get along with our neighbors so whenever one of their pigs escaped and wandered onto our property…"

"I think we get the picture Pam," Mallory sighed.

"You had to learn to kill 'em and cook 'em fast," Pam went on. "You know? Hide the evidence."

"Pam that's enough," Mallory groaned.

"Wasn't always pigs," Pam said. "Sometimes it was a stranger's chicken."

"Pam…" Mallory growled.

"Or a sheep," Pam went on. "Or a goat."

"Pam…" Mallory growled.

"Once we found a whole mess of chinchillas," Pam said. "At least we thought they were chinchillas. Turned out to be just some very fat, very furry squirrels. Didn't taste bad though."

"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMM!" Mallory shouted.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT?" Pam shouted back.

"Danger Zone, Pam…" Archer groaned. "You are in the Danger Zone."

"For once Sterling's stupid little catchphrase is on point," Mallory grabbed a knife nearby. "Speaking of points!"

"Mallory stop!" Lana protested. "Pam didn't have any idea. Okay maybe this habit of her killing and eating any animal that comes across her path is something we should address…"

"Not any animal!" Pam snapped. "Just the ones you can eat."

"Technically you can eat any animal!" Archer snapped.

"Well not dogs or cats!" Pam snapped. "Well I don't eat them anyway. On purpose."

"I admit there was that one time…" Krieger began.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped.

"What's everybody getting their bony asses bent out of shape for anyway?" Pam asked.

"That pig belonged to a friend of Mallory's," Lana explained. "She was hired to watch the pig and take it to some pig fair."

"We do that now?" Pam asked. "Because I totally know that's a thing."

"That does explain the backflips it did before we killed it," Krieger admitted.

"It was a one shot deal!" Mallory snapped. "And now I'm going to shoot you and Sterling! Mostly Sterling for failing to watch the pig!"

"You gave the pig to _Archer_?" Krieger asked. "Well that wasn't a good idea."

"Why didn't you just give the pig to Ray?" Pam asked.

"Somebody please slap this woman?" Mallory dropped the knife. "I just don't have the energy to…Hang on…"

SLAP! SLAP! SLAPPITY! SLAP! SLAP!

"OWWW!" Pam said as Mallory slapped Pam.

"Oh wait, I got my second wind," Mallory growled.

"Well why are you just hitting **me**? I didn't know!" Pam snapped.

"Good point," Mallory then hit Krieger on the head. Then slapped Archer twice.

"I have an idea. Krieger can you make a clone of Lady Anabelle in time for the show?" Lana asked.

"Oh yeah! I can whip one up in the lab in less than twenty-four hours," Krieger nodded. "It will look exactly like the original and no one could be able to tell the difference."

"But it won't remember its tricks," Archer said.

"Pfft! All I need is a brain sample and I can download the original's memories into the clone," Krieger waved. "Easy peasy!"

"Check the trash," Pam pointed to the trash barrel.

Krieger did so. "Bingo! It's time to refry this bacon!"

"WAAHHHHH!" Ray was heard in the next room.

"I'll go calm Ray down…" Lana groaned as she went off to calm down the crying cyborg.

"Fine you and Pam go clone me a pig," Mallory snapped. "And get it done right!"

"Hang on I had something for this!" Archer spoke up.

"Please don't…" Mallory rolled her eyes.

Archer tried to imitate the Terminator. "I'll be bacon! No wait I had something better…"

"Now I feel like crying," Mallory moaned.

The following day…

"I can't believe this is a thing," Lana looked around the pig fair. "Well outside the Midwest…"

"It's totally a thing," Krieger said. "Next time I should make a Piggly and enter one for this."

"Well the pig has been delivered," Mallory sighed. Archer and Ray were with her. "Apparently we're getting our check after the show. Can you believe it? Mabel isn't even here!"

"Why didn't you agree to a check on delivery?" Ray asked.

"Because, shut up!" Mallory bristled. "The important thing is we pulled it off. No thanks to you Sterling!"

"Should have given it to Ray in the first place," Archer remarked.

"I am. Well what I was going to pay you," Mallory said. "And some money to Lana and Krieger. Not Pam obviously but…"

"So I get nothing?" Archer snapped. "You are giving me **nothing**?"

"You should be used to that by now," Lana quipped.

"You know…?" Archer began.

"Well since we're not getting paid until later we might as well watch Lady Hoggington the Second in action," Lana shrugged. "I admit it. I'm a bit curious to how this thing…works. I mean what kind of tricks does a pig do anyway?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Someone screamed.

"OINK!"

"Well…" Ray did a double take. "A pig setting someone on fire is a pretty good trick."

"Ray that's impossible," Archer scoffed. "How can a pig set someone…?"

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OINK!"

ZAP!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Oh **that's** how," Archer blinked. "Okay…I stand corrected.

"Wow," Krieger blinked. "I've got to teach Piggly **that trick!"**

"I think you already did!" Lana barked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE!" Someone screamed.

"Oh right…" Krieger realized.

"Oh dear God Krieger what did you **do**?" Mallory shouted.

"It's possible I might have accidentally added some DNA and tweaked a few genes that shouldn't have been tweaked," Krieger admitted.

"How…?" Mallory began.

"Well I was kind of drunk to begin with," Krieger admitted. "Then Pam brought in a joint so we both got a little high…"

ZAP! ZAP!

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"OINK! OINK! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"So you think this Mabel might think that this isn't her pig?" Krieger asked innocently.

"I think the lasers coming out of its eyes might be a clue that it's not!" Archer remarked.

ZAP! ZAP!

"AAHHH! WHY IS FIRE SO PAINFUL?"

"You really should have gotten the money up front," Archer told his mother.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

ZAP! ZAP!

"That is some angry bacon," Lana blinked.

"We're not getting paid for this are we?" Ray asked.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Mallory shouted. "Let's get out of here!"

"But what about all the damage?" Ray asked as they ran from the chaos and the growing fire.

"Not our problem!" Mallory snapped. "What is our problem is that Mabel might slap us with a damn lawsuit! THANKS FOR NOTHING STERLING!"

"Again technically fifty percent of this is **Krieger's**!" Archer protested. "And twenty-five percent is Pam's…"

"Shut up and run!" Mallory yelled. "I'll just say there are toxic chemicals in the water! Mabel hates LA! She'll believe it!"

"OOOOOONNNNIIIIIINNKKKK!" Lady Anabelle Hoggington the Second cried out.

"I don't think anyone will ever believe this!" Ray groaned as they jumped in the van.

"No one is going to say anything about any of this to **anyone!** " Mallory shouted.

The following Monday…

"Item one…" Cyril addressed the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "I'd like to commend whoever cleaned the bullpen this weekend. And the break room."

"Me and Archer did that," Pam spoke up.

"Why…?" Cyril did a double take.

"Because Ms. Archer made us because…" Pam began. Mallory then slapped her. "OW!"

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. She then turned to Cyril. "I thought the office could use some freshening up. You know? All doing our part."

"I see. Next I have another question. Why does my office smell like pig piss?" Cyril snapped.

"Is that not how it usually smells?" Archer asked.

"And yet another question," Cyril sighed. "Did anything happen while I was gone this weekend? Anything at all?"

"Nope," Lana said.

"Not that I'm aware of," Archer said. "Ray did anything happen?"

"Nope," Ray said. "Quiet as a church on Saturday night."

"Nope, nope, nope, nope…" Krieger said.

"Nothing," Pam sighed.

"See, nothing happened," Mallory said.

"Oh my God!" Cheryl squealed. "So much happened!"

"Carol!" Archer barked.

"First I found a new sex dungeon club in LA!" Cheryl spoke up. "But then I got kicked out for being too violent. Not my fault the stupid idiot couldn't handle a little…"

"Carol shut up!" Archer barked.

"He's talking about anything happening at this office over the weekend," Mallory snapped. "Which nothing did."

"Are you sure about that?" Cyril asked.

"Quite sure," Mallory said.

"So all weekend nothing weird happened?" Cyril asked.

"Nothing," Mallory said.

"Everything was relatively normal," Cyril gave her a look. "I ask knowing nothing about our lives is normal."

"Cyril it was fine! Nothing happened," Archer said.

"Oh nothing happened Archer? Nothing?" Cyril gave him a look.

"Well I'm assuming on your end," Archer quipped.

"Then how do you explain **this**?" Cyril shouted as he turned on the TV/computer screen in the room.

News clippings of a fire and a rampaging pig with green eyes were on the screen. The headlines were HOG WILD! BACON-ATOR! SWINE NOT…HAPPY THAT IS. Images of a pig with laser eye vision attacking people and running wild was shown.

"So," Cyril glared at them. "Does anyone want to tell me anything about **that?"**

Everyone looked at Krieger. Krieger looked at Mallory. "Uh…No," Mallory said. "I have no idea about this."

"No idea," Lana said.

"Nope, nope, nope," Krieger shook his head.

"Wow a rampaging mutant pig," Archer said casually. "Didn't know they had them here. Did you know they had them here Ray?"

"No, I did not," Ray said sincerely. "None of us had any idea they had those kinds of pigs here. Right Pam?"

"Uh well probably," Pam said semi-innocently. "Do you want some bacon Cyril? We have some extra in the fridge and…"

" **Stop!"** Cyril held up his hand. "Just be honest. This is an exploding mouse situation isn't it?"

"Pretty much yeah," Pam admitted.

"PAM!" Mallory shouted.

"Then I **don't** want to know," Cyril closed his eyes and groaned. "Whatever you idiots did, I **never** want to know!"

"Good because you really don't," Krieger said honestly. "Except that this was not my fault!"

"WHAT?" Pam shouted. "This was totally your fault Krieger!"

"Uh no it wasn't!" Krieger snapped.

"Who the hell else makes a mutant clone pig that can shoot lasers out of its eyes?" Ray shouted.

"It was Lana's idea!" Krieger protested.

"Yeah Lana!" Archer said.

"WHAT?" Lana shouted. "I only told you to clone the pig after Archer and Pam totally screwed up babysitting the original pig due to Mallory's' stupid scheme! I didn't say add lasers to it!"

"Oh, I thought you did," Krieger blinked.

"NO I DIDN'T!" Lana shouted.

"I said, I **didn't** want to know!" Cyril snapped.

"I'm not the one who made bacon out of the original!" Krieger pointed to Pam.

"Well I'm not the one who was supposed to take care of the damn thing in the first place!" Pam shouted. "That was Archer's screw up!"

"You mean Mother's screw up!" Archer protested.

"WHAT?" Mallory yelled.

"They tell me anyway," Cyril groaned.

"How is this **my fault**?" Mallory shouted.

"I told you we should have let Ray look after the damn pig but noooooooooooo!" Archer scolded his mother. "You just had to let me do it!"

"That was rather a stupid idea Ms. Archer," Pam admitted.

"See?" Archer snapped.

"Giving **him** any responsibility?" Lana added. "What were you **thinking?"**

"Hey!" Archer barked.

"It's not like I knocked the pig up with his sperm!" Mallory shouted at Lana.

"Yeah Lana!" Pam snorted.

"HEY!" Archer and Lana barked.

"Still a huge mistake to let Archer look after anything with a pulse!" Ray added.

"What were you **thinking**?" Pam asked Mallory.

"More like what she was drinking," Ray quipped.

"Oh shut up Pig Whisperer!" Mallory shouted at Ray.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!" Cyril shouted. "Stop talking!"

"Yeah!" Cheryl said. "Seriously because I really don't know what we're talking about…"

"Ugh…" Cyril groaned. "Listen! I don't want to know anymore! I'm just going to pretend that whatever went on this weekend **never happened**! Got it? Besides the last thing we need is a repeat of all the **other** animal fiascos that happened in New York! Remember? The exploding mice? The laser snakes? The robot chickens? The electric bobcat?"

"Gobo the fake Jersey Devil," Ray rolled his eyes.

"The Krieglins," Pam added. "Although technically those guys are only part animal."

"Exactly!" Cyril snapped. "So no more animal insanity around here! Especially **you** Krieger! I mean is it too much to ask that you not make some kind of mutant or clone monstrosity every other month?"

"Uh every **other** month?" Krieger blinked. "That might be doable…"

"Please tell me you don't have any other mutant monstrosities in your lab," Mallory groaned.

"Well not now," Krieger shrugged.

 _"Now?"_ Cyril yelled. "Never mind! I don't want to know! I don't **want** to know!"

"And not knowing is half the battle of keeping your sanity around here," Ray quipped.

"So uh," Pam spoke up. "I have some extra bacon and sausage in the fridge if anybody wants some."

Everyone glared at her. "Too soon?" Pam asked.


End file.
